-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
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I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.