Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
You Might Also Like
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?