My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
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A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”