[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
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her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few