Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
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Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Time for evil
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
sin harder.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.