She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
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This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
Every time my phone rings
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.