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Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.