Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
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Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
Why is everyone getting married at me
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”