list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
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Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.