Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
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Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development