At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
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Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.