[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
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adam and eve had first world problems
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
Oh my God.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
screw you
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.