Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
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Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
Thrilling chase underway
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
Ah yes. The three genders
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.