Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
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My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife