Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
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Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
fr
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”