me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
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I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
🙋♀️
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same