I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
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Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
Seas the day!!!!
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers