Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
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Milk Cube
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*