Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
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I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
“just sayin” who asked you though?
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *