If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
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Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
inappropriate Care Bears be like: