To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
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[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
#StillHurts
I’m not wrong
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
some cats are just doing for fun!
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.