ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
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I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.