One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
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Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
love it when they get my name right
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.