I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
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“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.