*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
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The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
new shirt idea
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me