There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
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Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.