“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
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*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?