WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
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when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?