Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
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So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.