If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
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If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
Rambo Rambow
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS