15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
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Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?