Monday again. I just knew this would happen
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Double negatives are never not confusing.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
#dalle2
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.