Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
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waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
Me redecorating every room in my mind
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”