What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
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Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
The symmetry is uncanny.
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.