People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
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other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
real
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.