girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
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[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.