How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
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You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.