Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
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I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!