I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
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Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
When they try to steal your moment.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.