Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
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Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
i wish i could marry a nap
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.