Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
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I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.