Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
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got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”