SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
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The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and