{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
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Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
#winning
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends