Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
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My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
Mistakes were made
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.