Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
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I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.