[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
You Might Also Like
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
Webb. James Webb.
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.