I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
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*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”