Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
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Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
The symmetry is uncanny.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.