I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
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Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
Sorry not sorry.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know